The Weather Channel is Puke

Weather dot com (“The Weather Channel”) is the internet’s inescapable poop chute. A supernova of eye-raping gibberish authored and illustrated by ‘meteorologists’ who spend most of their days licking shoe polish off of door knobs. And because this winter’s ferocity rivals any in recent memory, many of us defer to the site for up to date weather information. But we shouldn’t, because more eye & fact friendly sites exist (weather.gov, accuweather.com).

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Look at that shit. Look at it. That’s their front page. Imagine the graphic design meetings they had. “Hm, what layout should we go with for the upcoming storm warnings? Classic Winter or GOAT ABORTION?” “Well, Goat Abortion sounds like a real winner, Larry.”

What are we supposed to deduce from this carnage? A snowpocalypse? And why is Bambi getting junk punched in the lower left hand corner of the screen? Why is winter doing this to Bambi?

Another fascinating item – according to the scroll at the top of the page, you can chat with a meteorologist right now on a live video feed! It’ll be a real let down when people desperate for local weather information find it to be a Vine video of Punxsutawney Phil fornicating with a tree branch.

There is literally nothing that can be gleaned from this except mass panic. People flooding supermarkets and crawling all over one another for milk, batteries, and yodels. Teachers purposely impaling themselves on shovels when they discover school is only delayed until 10am. All because TWC named this “WINTER STORM DEATH.” We shouldn’t be getting our weather news this way. [It’s actually “Winter Storm Pax.” Whatever.]

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It doesn’t end with their internet presence. No. We’re only a few days away from FEARLESS Jim Cantore showing up at the storm’s epicenter to stand in front of a camera while Earth effortlessly toys with his pointless limbs. “Hey, yea, it’s snowing outside you guys. Watch me measure this snowbank over here for seven straight hours. I cry myself to sleep in my underwear, by the way.”

TWC even managed to lure THE Sam Champion away from Good Morning America and made him managing editor! Did they break the bad news to him that he can’t report on the storm outdoors whilst eating velvet cake in a silver bubble jacket? Poor guy.

The Weather Channel wasn’t always like this. The internet is what drove them mad. They used to have serene background music and a tight schedule of local, national, and storm updates. Their Hurricane Tracker was informational and clean. Nowadays during Hurricane Season they just show a map of the Southeastern US for 30 seconds and then light it on fire.

The Weather Channel confuses people and makes them insane. They’re lowering our collective IQ as a nation. Stop visiting their web site. Stop watching Jim Cantore pretend he’s the sky lord. Stop the madness. Watch your local weather or go to weather.gov. You’ll thank me later.

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